i had 2 very amazing friends..... we happened to fight frequently. they were always bad fights, that always had me in tears or so mad i couldn't see straight, they were that mad too. i was always blamed for the fights, yes sometimes i did start them, but by accident. i had never consciously meant to start them or to make them worse. when i started them it was because i had feelings.......
see these friends were ones i had in middle school too.... i was a horrible bitch back then, with a lot of shit in my life. so i took it out on them(blowing up). and it was horrible..... but because they ended our friendship then, it made me realized if i wanted friends in my life, i had to change things about me. i did, i worked on it soooo hard since then. ive changed a lot. but when i had feelings, they would get mad at me and accuse me of being the same from middle school. that always killed me and made things worse.
well just this year, we became friends again because i started dating one of their best friends. we became friends again just like the old times but a thousand times better, but they still got mad at me when i blew up (very rarely).i told them i was only human and that i would slip.they didn't care, all it showed was that i was still the same middle school me.i was never going to be good enough.which was so insanely frustrating because i told one of them about all the shit that happened to me in middle school.they wouldn't have lasted a minute of my life. i loved them, they were my family. everything was great until i broke up with their best friend, and i kinda lost it.
because i lost it, i blackmailed one of them. i was never going to actually do it, i was just so fed up with being walked all over. well ive regretted that day ever since.they broke off our friendship, they had every right. the one who i hadnt blackmailed started talking shit about me so badly, it made me think of suicide. i told him. then about a month later we became friends again because of a friends party (we said lets just forget about the past). it was good being back to normal. then bout 2 weeks later i screwed it up again because i had feeling like always. we had a friendervention (where we all sat down and said the shit to each others faces) and that put our friendship on pause. the blackmailed friend said he didnt trust me and i told him i didnt want him to. i also said i had never meant to be such a life ruiner and i was so sorry for everything (even the things i didnt do). that put our friendship on pause.
later that week i vented to a friend on how frustrated i was with this and she showed the texts to all of them. it got 3 people on my back about it. they accused me of talking shit, when i was just venting. either way, that officially ended our friendship forever.
see the times where we were friends were the best time of my life. the happiest moments ive had besides being with my best friends. it was an everyday happiness. when we werent friends, it killed a little piece of my heart everyday.
so why after all the shit they've caused me and all the shit ive caused them, every time i see a pic of them i want to die? why is it that i want to scream and cry and beg for them back? (that will never happen, my friends have permission to slap me) why is it that when i read one of their convos on fb, i want to defend myself or at least try to get something across, even though i know it will go through one ear and out the other? why do i want them back, when the joy they bring to my life is equal to the bad? is it because every happy memory i have has them in it? because when i remember that memory its a slap to my face and a stake through the heart. or because i fucked up the good thing i had in my life like i always do? why does it influence my life so much? why do i feel im better with them even though my life just honestly gets worse? why do i feel this?? why does it make my heart die a little, my brain fog up, and my eyes get wet? will i ever get out of this odd depression like feeling where i blame everything on myself?
i dont blame it all on them. i blame it all on myself. all of it. but it takes 2 to fight, 2 to tango. so why cant i realize that it took all of us to cause this?